you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
