The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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