Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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