hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
