i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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