i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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