I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
