I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
