I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
