i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
