get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
