So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
