its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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