I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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