We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
