WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
