I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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