You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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