he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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