I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
