you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
