i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
