remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
