I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I smell like Dick and happiness
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
