part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
