omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
