i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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