This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
