Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize