no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
