Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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