Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
