If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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