Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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