I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
