I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
