do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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