I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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