Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
