Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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