The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
