Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
