I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
