Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
