if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
