dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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