Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He passed out mid-signature
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
