Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
