i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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