ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize