i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize