i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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