wakey wakey hands off snakey
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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