my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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