I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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