dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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