I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
