Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
