shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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