If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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