We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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