Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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